New Year's Resolutions for Indian Immigrants

How Vivek Can Be Less Obnoxious!

1. I will try to be a more humble -- or even a little bit humble -- and will encourage my fellow Indians to cease producing reams of articles with headlines like these:

-- "Indians flying high in Silicon Valley";

-- "Indian talent crucial for America's tech industry";

-- "Why Indian-born CEOs dominate Silicon Valley"

... lest anyone notice that the tech industry explosion was created by 90% white American men, and 10% white men from places like South Africa, Germany and Poland. Not an Indian, Latin American or Chinese in the bunch. (Though some, I assume, are good people.)

For example:

Google -- 2 white men, one from Michigan and one from Russia (Larry Page and Sergey Brin).

Twitter -- 4 white American men (Jack Dorsey, Noah Glass, Biz Stone and Evan Williams).

LinkedIn -- 1 white American man (Reid Hoffman)

Netflix -- 2 white American men (Marc Randolph and Reed Hastings).

Netscape -- 2 white American men (Jim Clark and Marc Andreessen).

Apple Computer -- 2 white American men, (Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak. The adopted Jobs' biological father was a Syrian immigrant, admitted well before the nation-destroying 1965 immigration act. See below.)

Mozilla Firefox -- 2 white American men (Dave Hyatt and Blake Ross).

Oracle -- 3 white American men (Larry Ellison, Bob Miner and Ed Oates)

Uber -- 1 white American man and 1 Canadian white man (Garrett Camp and Travis Kalanick)

PayPal -- 3 white men, immigrants from Germany, Russia and Poland (Peter Thiel, Max Levchin and Luke Nosek).

Yelp -- 2 white American men (Jeremy Stoppelman and Russel Simmons)

Zillow -- 1 white American man (Richard Barton)

Craigslist -- 1 white American man (Craig Newmark)

Pandora -- 3 white American men (Will Glaser, Jon Kraft and Tim Westergren)

Wikipedia -- 1 white American man (Jimmy Wales)

Zynga -- 1 white American man (Mark Pincus)

Must remember to remind my boastful Indian colleagues that Americans have won hundreds of Nobel prizes in the sciences, while India, with more than 4 times the population, has won only five.

Based on the record of accomplishment, if we really want the top talent (and not the cheapest), we ought to be slashing the Indian cap on H1B visas, and hike the cap on Israelis, South Africans, Germans and Russians, currently discriminated against because of the humungous Indian allotment.

2. I will not brag about Indian culture revering nerds like me until just one of the 1.4 billion Indians manages to produce anything as world-changing as Apple computer, created by Steve Wozniak -- expelled from one college and a drop-out from another -- along with Steve Jobs -- a hippie college dropout, who was, by the grace of God, raised by his high school drop-out father, a white male American mechanic.

3. I will not run for president, unless I am a third-generation immigrant, imbued with the cultural values so utterly foreign to my parents and grandparents, but which have made America the greatest country on earth. These include the God-given rights to bear arms, to free speech and to free association, and the revolutionary idea that all men are equal under the law (even those filthy Dalits, whom my fellow Indians are refusing to hire in Silicon Valley).

It's rather embarrassing that, of the first three people to announce for president as a Republican in this past cycle, two were second-generation Indian immigrants. (The third was Trump.) I and my people have got to temper our enormous hubris.

I will not wait until months after having Ann Coulter on my podcast to fire back at her on Ezra Klein's New York Times podcast, for saying she wouldn't vote for an Indian to be president of the United States. I especially won't employ the pussy claim that I had much better arguments, but held back out of politeness.

[BONUS RESOLUTION FOR JEWISH IMMIGRANTS FROM BRAZIL, LIKE KLEIN: I will not whine that I am "sad" that Coulter won't vote for an Indian for president -- at least until Brazil elects an Indian president (or any non-Brazilian), Israel elects an Indian president (or any non-Jew) and India elects any non-Indian president.]

4. In fact, I will not run for any government office until both of my parents and I were born here.

In particular, if I am Representative Pramila Jayapal, I will get on my knees and give thanks every day that the United States does not have physical appearance requirement for immigrants.

Having been let in for no good reason when I was 16 years old, I will not dedicate myself to forcing my host country to bring in ever more immigrants, specifically Muslim immigrants after 9/11, and illegal immigrants.

I will not do this because it's utterly gauche -- like a dinner guest rearranging your furniture, ripping out the wainscotting, and calling your kids to the dining room to re-name them. Continuing the metaphor, as an Indian immigrant, my qualifications to overhaul someone else's happy household is that I came from a homeless shelter, rife with leprosy, dengue and typhoid.

5. I will try to remember that I have moved from a country notorious for cheating to a high-trust society (although a little less "high trust" ever since Teddy Kennedy's 1965 immigration act began dragging in people from other low-trust societies, like mine).

Thus, I will not scale the outer walls of my kids' school during exams and hang from the windows to pass them cheat sheets, as is done in India. I will not purchase advance copies of tests, leading to decades of headlines like these:

-- Gangs Are Making Millions Helping Indians Cheat on Exams

-- India: Mass cheating unveiled in exam centre, teachers involved

-- Mass cheating caught on cam, Sakti collector orders probe

-- How exam scandals threaten the future of India's young people

-- India's elite exams hit by corruption 'scam'

I will not steal intellectual property, plagiarize someone else's research or manipulate my own research results, a practice so widespread in my ancestral home that the Office of the United States Trade Representative put India on a blacklist of IP thieves.

I will not pay to have my nonsense "research" published in fake journals with bought-and-paid-for peer reviews, leading a consortium of news organizations (e.g., The New Yorker, Le Monde and the Indian Express), to dub India "one of the biggest global hubs" for pay-to-play publishing.

I will not brag about my culture admiring tools like Steve Urkel in "Family Matters," when, by all accounts, my culture reveres conmen like Frank Abagnale Jr., in "Catch Me If You Can."

6. I will recognize that slavery is strongly frowned upon in the U.S. and strive NOT to bring India's enthusiasm for the institution to my new country. In particular, I will not use the H1B visa program to bring in dozens of slaves I purchased from their parents in India, including a slew of prepubescent girls to serve as my sex slaves.

That's what "multimillionaire real estate magnate" Lakireddy Bali Reddy did (it's easy to be a "multimillionaire" when you're using slave labor) and, boy, was his face red when an American woman happened to spot a couple of his (dead) sex slaves being carried in rolled up carpets through the streets of Berkeley. For more, see "Adios, America!"

Sure, Mexicans, Egyptians and Koreans also get caught bringing slaves to America, but the prevalence of Indian immigrants in the U.S. slavery racket is hard to miss.

2023: "20-year-old Indian student ... held captive for months without access to a bathroom, viciously beaten, and forced to work at three homes by his cousin and two other Indian-origin men."

2020: "Gilroy couple [Amarjit and Balwinder Mann] charged with enslaving Indian immigrant."

2012: "U.S. judge grants $1.5 million as compensation [from Indian diplomat, Neena Malhotra] to 'enslaved' Indian maid."

2011: "Rockland D.A.: Family [Rajani, Aman Parveen and Vishal Jagota] Kept Indian Woman As Sex Slave."

2008: "Varsha Sabhnani ... from Indonesia, was convicted with her Indian-born husband ... on a 12-count federal indictment that included forced labor, conspiracy [and] involuntary servitude."

As part of my heroic resistance to slavery, I will not lie about the H1B program, which is nothing but indentured servitude, outlawed in my new country in 1867 by the Peonage Act. No right to quit means it's serfdom. I will get that as a tattoo.

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