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Myriad Mike's avatar

Great news!

So, when we deport them all, they can go home, and lower the crime rates in their birth nations!

"Root Cause" fixed!

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Piper Dunne's avatar

Maybe we should rebrand illegal immigrants as “transplants,” a group I’ve noticed many urban leftists expressly despise. They can’t stand it when Don from Idaho moves to their neighborhood (no criminal record, master’s degree in computer science) but welcome José with open arms (his very presence proves a willingness to break the law).

I suspect this is because they can clearly see how Don impacts their lives. Don takes their brunch reservation. Don takes a comp sci job from their slightly less qualified friend. Don lives right next door. But they don’t really interact with José… not in any meaningful way, at least. If anything, they like José because he offers to cut their grass at even more of a cut rate than Enrique.

So here’s our new pitch: “Thousands of transplants set to imminently arrive in YOUR city. Expect a rent spike in your cool, urban neighborhood. Be prepared to lose out on those concert tickets you wanted, a transplant will probably get there first. You will have to book reservations at your favorite restaurant 2, maybe 3 months in advance. You will run into people who *claim* they’re from your city just because they LIVE there!”

With that byline, we would have immigration reform in no time!

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