The Princess Diaries of Anthony Fauci

He can't plead the Fifth on this.

I thought of various clever-seeming ways to organize this cornucopia of quotes from the diary of former Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, Anthony Fauci. But that would mean cutting some of these gems. So here they are, in ascending order of embarrassing awfulness.

1. Anthony Fauci on Anthony Fauci:

— “Apparently, a lot of people at the Pentagon admire me very much ...”

— “The nurses went absolutely wild to see me, they were squealing and laughing and clapping. It was something to behold.”

— “Did I mention he’s easy on the eyes?” — Fauci, quoting The Anthony Fauci Fan Club Twitter account (which he does at length).

2. If the Real Housewives had a baby with George Santos, it would be Anthony Fauci.

— “A Gala event was held tonight... It was the highest level of AAA list you could imagine in Washington DC.”

— “One person said that Tyra [Banks] was sexy, but I was even more sexy than she was. She [said] ‘that is true and my mother is in love with you.’ Zing 😊”

— “I am such a valued spokesperson and a good communicator...”

— “Wonderful brunch... the typical Washington A list was there.”

3. His obvious humble brags. All this adoration is ridiculous!

— “The ridiculous attention to me continues; fan clubs, Swags, am constantly on TV; countless profiles of me.”

— “Many print profiles and features on me. Ridiculous—too numerous to count!” (Kind of like those myocarditis deaths.)

— “A photographer from across the landscape shot me and focused on my polkadot socks. It got tweeted around the country. ‘Birx has her scarfs and Fauci has his socks.’ Geeeez.” (It must be very exciting to be tweeted all around the country.)

— “The ‘swag’ around me is getting really ridiculous. You can buy Fauci T-shirts, mugs, donuts, sweat shirts, candles, pillows, etc. Geeeez!! I do not like this one bit.”

— “Continued crazy stuff: Petition to name me ‘Sexiest Man Alive’; video games named after me; Fauci Bobblehead; dishes in restaurants named after me, and on and on.”

(If you’re going for merch, how about autographed Anthony Fauci coffins?)

4. He’s disturbingly impressed with celebrities.

— “[Julia Roberts] embarrassed me somewhat when... she put her hands in front of her mouth and said ‘Oh my God. It’s Dr. Fauci, he is here.’ Then she went on to say that I was her personal hero...”

— “Joan Baez texted me tonight asking me about what she should wear for the State Department dinner...”

— “There was a wonderful series of testimonials to me from an amazing group of people: Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino, Leonardo DiCaprio, Francis Ford Coppola ... Maria Tomei...”

— “Noteworthy is the fact that I had an extraordinary podcast interview for one hour with famous actor Alec Baldwin.”

— “It was a star-studded evening and I had pleasant conversations with people some of whom I had met before such as Julia Roberts, Sean Penn, Matt Damon, Mike Ferrone, among many others.”

5. He was more interested in Fauci bobbleheads and Fauci donuts than the number of elderly people dying alone in hospitals.

-- “Bobblehead raising money: Fauci bobblehead raises $100,000 for American Hospital Association.”

-- “Bobbleheads of me being made in massive quantities in China.”

-- “Fauci Bobblehead Raises $200k for Healthcare Workers”

-- “Spoke with Robyn Ross of the Washington Post Magazine. She is writing a piece on my Bobblehead” (And get this: they’re all made by pangolins!)

He writes about the Fauci donuts eight times in his diary—or eight times more than he mentioned Sweden. (From the beginning of the pandemic, Sweden imposed no lockdowns, advised citizens against wearing masks and had less excess mortality than the U.S.)

6. He’s obsessed with how famous he is, boasting about his fame dozens of times.

-- “I was beset by a horde of at least 20 paparazzi who followed me ... walking backwards surrounding me and flashing lights that blinded me.”

-- “The problem is that now I am one of the most recognizable and well-known people in the world.”

-- “The situation with my national and international fame is explosive and really unimaginable. It is not hyperbole to say that today I am the most famous and talked about person in the country and one of the most recognizable person in the world.”

-- “Multiple TV cameras and hundreds of camera clicks followed me out of the Rayburn Building as I had a car waiting for me to take me to the Oval Office.”

7. Fauci’s amazing adventure! (While you were quarantining at home.)

-- “Amazing night at NATS Stadium where I threw out the first pitch to open the 2020 Baseball season ... Unfortunately, I threw a bouncer to the right of the plate. I felt really badly but the overwhelming public reaction to it was sympathetic and positive. ... I signed a Nats Jersey that will hang on the wall in Nats stadium next to a similar shirt signed by President Obama.”

-- “After the gala we were invited to another gala at the Cafe Milano ...”

-- “I went to a book party last night for Jonathan Karl’s new book about Trump. It took place at the Cafe Milano. ...”

--”I was totally swamped all night by people wanting to say hello, shake my hands, and take pictures with me.”

-- “Last night I received another humbling honor associated with the honorary doctorate in science that I received from Rockefeller University in New York City. ... the audience at the celebratory dinner was giving me a standing ovation, ... This will have been my 58th honorary doctorate.”

8. With all the time he spent being photographed for magazine covers, it’s no wonder that Fauci lacked basic knowledge of COVID, such as the fact that the survival rate for people under the age of 70 was 99.95%.

-- “Did major photo shoot with People magazine.”

-- “Nature magazine picked me as one of Nature’s 10—people who shaped science in 2020.”

-- “[White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows] did not like the fact that I did an InStyle piece and did not want any more profiles of me.”

-- “Over the past three weeks I have been on the cover of Time magazine X2, once as one of the 100 most influential people in the world again as the ‘guardian of the year.’ Also, on the cover of People magazine.”

9. He has remarkably thin skin.

-- “It’s no secret that I have been clearly targeted by rather radical elements who just keep attacking me every day, all day—Fox News, Breitbart—all those other crazies.”

-- “The onslaught against me by the radical right continues....Some of the valid press such as the Washington Post, the Los Angeles Times, and others are calling out the lies of the far right.”

-- “General Mark Milley came up to me put his arms around my shoulder and said ‘the only person who was getting his balls kicked more than me in Washington is you.’ I responded by saying ‘no shit.’”

10. He is thrilled to be asked for selfies.

-- “I got completely surrounded by ‘well-wishers’ who wanted selfies and/or to shake my hands.”

-- “Every young intern as well as seasoned veteran in the WH coming over to me congratulating me and thanking me for my work and even asking for selfies.”

-- “I was totally mobbed for selfies.”

-- “Several women civilian employees as well as military officers came over to me wanting selfies... One of them actually broke into tears.”

-- “I took the time to visit them and there was the usual selfies galore.”

-- “The people at the Abyssinian church or extremely kind to me... And all of them wanting to take selfies with me.”

-- “Went to do PSAs with the White House digital Comms team. They all wanted selfies with me.”

-- “I was totally mobbed by my colleagues wanting selfies. I must have done at least 100 (no exaggerating!)”

-- “As soon as people recognized me there was a wave of applause and squealing and screaming and clapping and thanking me with multiple people coming and asking for selfies.”

I’d end it there, but his next sentence was this: “It was a little bit embarrassing, but it was just a manifestation of how people need a symbol of integrity and truth.”

COPYRIGHT 2026 ANN COULTER