Don't Stop with Iran, Mr. President. You're on a roll!
Brilliant way to prove Bibi's not blackmailing you
American democracy is the kind of system where you can vote and vote and vote, but no matter how many times you vote for less war and less immigration, the government is going to give you more war and more immigration. It’s always World War II, we’re always fighting Hitler, and we always have no choice because we’ve got to stop [Fill In Targeted Country Here] from acquiring nuclear weapons. Even if we’ve just totally obliterated their nuclear program.
Also, we’re never getting a wall. Coincidentally, the price tag for a mere two weeks of the Iran war is about what it would cost to build an impermeable, 2,000-mile wall across our entire southern border.
I give up. I’m out of options, but the least I can do is help Trump during his last few years in office. (His last year in office, if the midterms turn out the way they’re looking right now.)
Therefore, I have composed a few draft presidential speeches covering the next 18 months or so, on the assumption that Trump would be embarrassed to leave us with 20 unfinished wars. The speeches practically write themselves. In fact, when Trump is impeached it won’t matter because his foreign policy can be performed by the simplest of AI bots.
Here are the next few major speeches for Mr. “Make America Great Again!” President Trump.
Remarks from President Trump, December 2026
A short time ago, the United States military began major combat operations in Myanmar. Our objective is to defend the American people by eliminating imminent threats from the Tatmadaw junta — a vicious group of very hard, terrible people. Big junta. Their menacing activities directly endanger the United States. They’ve done things that nobody has ever seen before, including imprisoning American citizens in horrible, horrible conditions. A total disaster.
For 38 years, the Myanmar regime has been at war with the West, waging a campaign of bloodshed and mass murder. Very, very bad mass murder. Killing more than 100,000 innocent people, displacing millions more, putting hundreds of thousands in internment camps. They have targeted the United States and innocent people in many, many countries, including Thailand, our closest ally in Southeast Asia. Very smart people, those Thai leaders.
We’re not helping Thailand; they’re helping us.
Separately, I have directed the Department of Homeland Security to coordinate ongoing efforts across the federal government to support 150,000 vulnerable Iranians, including those who worked alongside us in Iran, as they safely resettle in the United States. Stephen Miller wanted none, but 150,000 is a lot less than the 190,000 Iraqi and Afghan refugees we took in after those stupid wars!
Under Biden, Homeland couldn’t even get critical aid to North Carolina after a very, very bad storm. Crooked Joe -- totally corrupt. North Carolina loves me; it was one of the seven swing states I won. I won all seven of them. And I won the popular vote.
Remarks from President Trump, May 2027
A short time ago, the United States military began major combat operations in Sudan, which is not even a country. A paramilitary force led by a guy known as Hemedti — he goes by one name, like “Prince,” a good friend of mine — has committed genocide, ethnic cleansing and other crimes against humanity. He’s a big, big threat to our country. Our objective is to defend the American people by eliminating imminent threats from Hemedti’s Rapid Support Forces (RSF) — a vicious group of very hard, terrible people who directly endanger the United States.
Sudan is one of the biggest, worst state sponsors of terrorism in the whole world, folks. Believe me. They’ve been on the State Department’s terrorism list since the mid-nineties — a long time, very bad. These evil, disgusting people gave safe harbor to Osama bin Laden — can you believe it? — and they fought against the U.S. in the Iraq war. It was a stupid war, but a tremendous success from a military standpoint.
If we could, play the tape —
[Video of the Twin Towers coming down, Osama bin Laden, angry Sudanese on the street in the 1990s, waving placards with bin Laden’s face and others scrolled with “DEATH TO AMERICA!”]
In the past few years alone, the RSF has killed 61,000 people in Khartoum State, 10,000 people in West Darfur, and 80% of Geneina’s residents have fled. These wicked people rape women and children — some as young as one year old. Can you believe it? One-year-old. Twenty-five million innocent Sudanese are on the verge of starvation.
Sudanese Patriots, KEEP PROTESTING - TAKE OVER YOUR INSTITUTIONS! ... HELP IS ON ITS WAY.
Separately, I have directed the Department of Security — it’s called the Department of Homeland Security, we have a very strong homeland, probably the strongest homeland of any homeland — to coordinate ongoing efforts across the federal government to support 150,000 vulnerable Myanmarians, including those who worked alongside us in Myanmar, as they safely resettle in the United States.
Remarks from President Trump, November 2027
A short time ago, the United States military began major combat operations in the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC). Our objective is to defend the American people by eliminating imminent threats from the Rwandan-backed M23 rebel group committing atrocities in the DRC.
I brokered a very strong peace agreement between the DRC and Rwanda in June 2025. People said it couldn’t be done, but your favorite president, Donald J. Trump, did it. Only one of dozens and dozens of places where I’ve ended wars. But they don’t give me any credit for it. Horrible people.
The M23 rebels have violated the treaty time and again. These deranged scumbags continue to perpetrate civilian massacres, mass rape and summary executions against the people of the DRC — our best ally in the region, if not the world. These evil people have used starvation, sexual violence and child soldiers as weapons of war. I will not allow these terrorists to keep holding the world hostage.
Congolese President Félix Tshilombo — and that’s how you pronounce it, if you can believe it — said he acted to remove “the existential threat posed by the terrorist regime in Rwanda,” and we are proud to join him in this vital mission — so vital, believe me! A nuclear-armed Rwanda poses an unacceptable security threat to America, the DRC and the world.
Let’s play the video.
[Video from 1993 of Rwandans with fists raised, chanting, “DEATH TO AMERICA!”]
Separately, I have directed the Department of Homeland Security to coordinate ongoing efforts across the federal government to support 150,000 vulnerable Sudanese, including those who worked alongside us in Sudan, as they safely resettle in the United States.
Some very disloyal people have criticized me, claiming I am waging the “endless wars” I campaigned against. These haters and losers won’t give me credit for successfully concluding the war in Iran. That’s okay. It’s ending any day now. Maybe today. Maybe tomorrow. I’ll let you know.
Iran was a huge success. We left Iran with no navy, no air force, no army, no communications, no infrastructure, no hospitals, no roads, no drinkable water, no cultural artifacts. I own Iran. I look forward to accepting their unconditional surrender any day now. And probably the Nobel Peace Prize.
COPYRIGHT 2026 ANN COULTER
Each speech begins with, "Shalom, Goyim."
Also, the promised mass deportation was always to be understood spiritually. But the goyim don't learn that until the end, when there is no mass deportation. Only war.
I feel for Ann. She more than any other big-name conservative has pushed America First early, often, clearly and with intuitive brilliance.
Unfortunately, everything Ann Coulter says is more or less correct, but thankfully, she writes with a ton of humor and brilliant insight into what most likely will come to be. Thank you for another great post to read.